Well, that's just grayt.

Good news and bad news.

Good news: My period came back.
Bad news: My period came back.

Good news: My hair is growing again.
Bad news: My hair is growing in gray!

I hear this sometimes might happen post chemo, and eventually it will go away, but it still freaks me out how much of my hair has come back salty when I'm only 32!

Some New Research Developments

WoW! Exciting Stuff:

Dendritic cell vaccine

Drug Targets Triple Negative Breast Cancer

Breast Cancer Strand Test

Breast Cancer Vaccine Trial in Stage III

MBI Imaging!

Helping=Happiness=Healing

A close friend posted this on Facebook today: 12 things happy people do differently

 It reminded me of how much I want to set an example for my little girl and teach her that happiness comes from helping others. Interesting to note: helping others actually helps make a happy heart and happiness=health! Many other support groups and coping resources suggest the same. I'm sad to admit, I haven't made time or put forth the effort to do anything for anyone else lately. I haven't even sent out my thank you cards from Olivia's party. I'm happy just to get the dishes done, really. I'm sure if I did volunteer somewhere, I might have more energy and feel better. I've done the Making Strides walk and made donations etc, but none of it counts unless I spend my time and energy on it. My brother is on the board for the organization: KEEN (Kids Enjoy Exercise Now) and I'm so proud of him.  I'm definitely adding: "more acts of kindness," to my list of goals for when I am post treatment. So far, I'm back and work and picking up speed and feeling so much better to get back into a routine. Spring is around the corner, and I can't wait to start running again and spending time outside with Olivia :) Maybe I'll train for a marathon! But for now, I'll just start with sharing this post and maybe donating a dollar for homeless pets whenever I get cat food.

Wardrobe Changes

I have been shopping all week trying to ramp up my closet before I go back to work on Monday. It's been more of a challenge than I expected. The radiation makes the skin on and around my breast really sensitive so I can't wear underwire and sport bras don't really help me fill out "business casual," attire like I used to. I have to buy my microfiber and sport bra items an extra size larger because of the swelling on the radiation side. Not to mention the fact that I have to find a matching scarf or hat for every ensemble. I've also gained quite a bit of weight during chemo because I dealt with nausea and sadness by stuffing my face with all the delicious meals and desserts my friends made for me. The holidays didn't help either. I love pumpkin pie!

So, I was in Walmart yesterday checking out their "Just my Size," collection, which is a far cry from my beloved Victoria's Secret Incredible bra. Feeling pretty down about it and then I was "spotted," by another survivor. This is the first time I've spoken to another survivor outside of Kaiser. She immediately recognized me by my hat and was proud to report she is celebrating 10 years of being NED (No evidence of disease). We chatted a little about how hard it is with kids and how it really tests marriage etc. I was getting a little teary and she told me to be strong and it will be over before you know it. I know I'm close to the end, but for some reason it's not getting any easier. It's weird how I did not know this lady, but we were both completely comfortable talking about something that I try not to bring up around anyone else.

I came across this video today and even though I can't empathize with having to endure a mastectomy or reconstruction, I'm still struggling with finding clothes that fit and flatter my ever changing body with scars, graphing tattoos and tenderness etc. I definitely think it's an issue that needs to be addressed: pun intended!

On the bright side, my hot flashes have gone away and vitamin E is really helping to reduce the redness of some burning and scars. I'm looking forward to getting back to work on Monday and wearing something other than giant sweatshirts and slippers :)

Savoir-faire... not so much

My radiology office is a 20-30 minute drive away, but it's so nice. It's still Kaiser but completely different from Chemo. They have a "Zen," motif and it feels like I'm walking into a spa appointment. The receptionist doesn't even need to see my medical card, she just waves me in like I'm coming over for lunch. They play music during my treatments and make small-talk. Chemo was always sort of cold and impersonal. The "infusion center," would always ask me if my appointment was a result of a work injury blah blah blah. If I didn't have my best friend with me for those I probably would have spent the whole time crying.

Today it seemed like there were more people scheduled than usual. One woman close to my age was there waiting in her gown and started conversation with me. I'm pretty friendly myself, so I appreciate meeting other friendly people. However, I could tell english was not her first language so it was challenging to carry on a conversation. She immediately wanted to know what stage my cancer was, how I found it, how many treatments I was having etc , etc. Obviously I don't mind sharing but it seemed a little overwhelming all at once. She showed me her sentinel node biopsy scar and wanted to see mine. I said it might be hard to see because I had tied my robe up, and she said, "Oh that's ok I can look through here," and pulled my arm sleeve down. At this point I was impatiently waiting to be called back for my radiation. She seemed confused and concerned that I was only stage 1 and still had to do chemo, and she did not. I tried to explain, but the language barrier wasn't helping. The longest 5 minute conversation ever was gracefully ended by the technician calling me back for my treatment. If she has the same appointment every day like I do, I know it won't be the last. I just hope I can communicate with her a little better next time. Cancer and treatment is really scary no matter what kind you have and talking to other survivors can be comforting. I feel like I just confused and scared her.

Treatment so far is no biggie. My skin has the sensation that you might experience from an annoying shirt tag or wearing wool on a warm day. My nipple looks like I insulted it and it's really annoyed at me. I've only had 4 sessions so far, so I hope it doesn't try to run off by the time I'm done.

Cold Turkey

My daughter officially turns 2 tomorrow. Two years ago I was very big, very uncomfortable and very, very cranky. Here is a link to my cute little Birth Story. Time flies! I can't believe we're doing so well with the potty training. Also, starting yesterday we have stopped the binky and the bottle cold turkey. No explanation, no bartering, I just took them away. I felt bad, but I must admit it was so cute to watch her in the video monitor looking for the pacifier in her bed and calling out for it like it was playing hide and seek. She tore all the blankets off and threw them out of the crib in her desperate search. Then she jumped up and down in bed for a little while? Eventually she fell asleep without tears. I consider that a success! Preschool has weened her from the binky and I know she'll need a toddler bed soon, so I thought now would be a good time to work on it since I'm still off from work for another two weeks.

I went in for my first radiation treatment today. It wasn't a big deal at all. They had to do more mapping and get my Dr. approval first, which took awhile and my hands were not cooperating. I had to lie still with my arms over my head holding onto some handles. Even though I was lying down, I couldn't keep my grip very long, most likely because I still have some neuropathy issues. My hands were shaking and the technician had to bind them onto the handles with scotch tape. The actual treatment was done in a jiffy. I applied the biofane cream as instructed, but there isn't any "affected area," just yet. 29 more treatments to go.

Here is a beautiful picture of my toddler doing a dance of pure joy at her bouncy bounce birthday party over the weekend. She wears me out, but nothing else makes me smile more than seeing her happy.

Resistance is Futile

Happy New Year!

Glad to report that I am entering 2012 no longer part of the collective. My little IV adaptor (Power Port) has been removed and I am almost feeling normal again. All I need is some hair and eyebrows, but it seems like the more I want them the slower they grow. For those of you curious about or debating the port, I do have to admit I am glad that I went through with it and have no regrets. It really saved my poor little arms from vein hunting during blood draws and treatment sessions. The downsides were that it is super ugly, made a little scar and I could't wear a shoulder strap (seat belt or satchel). I whined and moaned about it a lot but it made going into the Dr. office a breeze. Having it installed and then eventually  removed was no biggie either. Of course I was nervous as hell and had to up the Ativan, but I made a big deal for nothing. Here is a picture of what the port looks like under the skin:

The scar looks pretty bad I know, but the Dr. who removed it said she thinned it out with the new stitch job to make it less noticeable (I hope she did but it's still under steri-strips so I have no idea). The three bumps are metal beads so the nurse can feel around a make a straight target for the middle. The port is attached to a long hollow tube which during installation is inserted surgically into a big vein. The tube went up into my neck for some reason and was sometimes a little uncomfortable, but not enough to complain. If you're expecting to receive multiple infusions or blood draws, don't worry about being assimilated, it's really the best thing you can do for yourself. I am a huge bawling baby when it comes to needles. If I can do it, anyone can.

Jan 9th starts the next chapter of treatment for me: Radiation. I am so grateful to no longer have to deal with needles and hair loss and stomach aches, but I'm also not looking forward to burning and aching. Thankfully it's just 6 weeks and I will only be working part time through that part. 

This whole ordeal (so far) has changed me somehow and I can't quite put it into words. I feel mournful for the time I lost being sick, but also liberated in a weird way. I know that I have to change my way of thinking in order to make my life more enjoyable and meaningful. I care a little bit less about what people think and a little bit more about what makes me happy. It may seem selfish, but who cares? Life is too short to please everyone all of the time. Change happens whether you like it or not. Life happens to everyone. I'm choosing to see my experience as an eye opener to my bad habits and bad choices. I have to do something different from now on so this never ever happens again. I got lucky, but next time maybe not. Its time to re-evaluate my priorities and make a change. New diet, more exercise, less stress. Resistance is futile!