50/50

As of 10/04/2011 I am officially 50% done with chemo. Everyone sees this as a positive thing. I see it as I have to go through three more rounds of hell on earth. I try to stay positive and remind myself that I am not dying, I am not fighting cancer and I can move on after this. I'm lucky! So many people have to endure way more chemo and their cancer is inoperable. Thinking about that makes me cry, so I need to come up with a new way to think positive...

My friends took me to see 50/50 with Seth Rogan. It was really good and I managed to hold back my tears until he went in for surgery. Surgery was very scary for me too, so I related a lot to his anxiety and it brought me back there for a moment. My friends cried too and it reminded me again that I am making every one around me endure this and I just wish it would be over. As much as I love attention, I can't help but feel like a constant burden.

Olivia is 21 months old as of 10/10/11. She loves me even though I look like a fat vampire from 30 Days of Night. My husband seems to love me too, everyone does. I wish I could too, but it's hard. I've gained weight, have no hair, no complexion, constant mouth sores and I'm covered in scars with a port sticking out of my chest. I miss me.

I'd like to end on a positive note since I'm such a Debbie Downer. My beautiful nieces from my husband's side of the family all got together and created a team for the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk here in Sacramento. They called themselves Peggy Sue's Pink Ladies. As of today the team has $850. Very awesome! We walk this Sunday 10/16/2011.

I'm still getting out and being social. I have a wig and I'm decent with a makeup brush. Olivia was in a wedding right before my third treatment. Between her and the gorgeous bride everyone's heart was melted all day.

Next treatment is 10/25, but right before that I get to see Portishead in Berkeley- woohoo!