Is it cold in here, or do I have a banana in my pants?

I had a very unconventional Valentine's Day. My husband (JP) worked late (as usual, but he did leave me roses this time) so my Mom brought over some chinese food and we goofed around with play-dough and gave my daughter a bubble bath. I've needed a little more help lately since I'm rounding the bend toward the end of my treatments and if I lift my arms too much or too high, the skin under my armpit pulls and sometimes tears a little: ouch! I'm really sore and tired too, and still swollen..... But I have just 3 treatments left!

The final 5 treatments are called "boosts," and they focus on my scars (sentinel node biopsy and lumpectomy scars). They super hurt afterwards, but I know radiation is so important for early stage survivors, and especially triple negative patients. I'm gritting my teeth and I'm pretty grumpy about it, but I still show up every morning.

My entire breast area is burned pretty bad, but the boost area and the armpit are the worst. I gave up trying to wear a bra and even a tank top irritates my skin because it rubs right on the area that hurts the most. Now I just wear JP's T-shirts and big giant sweaters to work. It's so much more comfortable, but it really makes me self-consious and paranoid that the room might get "too cold." In which case I'll just have to tell my boss, "No really, I'm just happy to see you!"
I'm using Thermazene Silver Sulfadiazine Cream now, and nothing really seems to be helping, but I glob it on all day anyway just in case.

Here is a picture of my armpit/breast area after graphing for the boost. I thought it looked like a doodle of a grumpy monster, which I kind of identify with it right now, so I wanted to post it and giggle at it later when I'm all done:

The big X is where my lymph nodes were biopsied and the black line and horizontal dots are where the stupid tumor was removed. The radiation is magnified and blasted in this area and the discoloration is where my skin has turned ash gray. The picture looks red because that's the color of my skin now. But those areas are done and now the rest of it focuses inside the grumpy face area.

Wardrobe Changes

I have been shopping all week trying to ramp up my closet before I go back to work on Monday. It's been more of a challenge than I expected. The radiation makes the skin on and around my breast really sensitive so I can't wear underwire and sport bras don't really help me fill out "business casual," attire like I used to. I have to buy my microfiber and sport bra items an extra size larger because of the swelling on the radiation side. Not to mention the fact that I have to find a matching scarf or hat for every ensemble. I've also gained quite a bit of weight during chemo because I dealt with nausea and sadness by stuffing my face with all the delicious meals and desserts my friends made for me. The holidays didn't help either. I love pumpkin pie!

So, I was in Walmart yesterday checking out their "Just my Size," collection, which is a far cry from my beloved Victoria's Secret Incredible bra. Feeling pretty down about it and then I was "spotted," by another survivor. This is the first time I've spoken to another survivor outside of Kaiser. She immediately recognized me by my hat and was proud to report she is celebrating 10 years of being NED (No evidence of disease). We chatted a little about how hard it is with kids and how it really tests marriage etc. I was getting a little teary and she told me to be strong and it will be over before you know it. I know I'm close to the end, but for some reason it's not getting any easier. It's weird how I did not know this lady, but we were both completely comfortable talking about something that I try not to bring up around anyone else.

I came across this video today and even though I can't empathize with having to endure a mastectomy or reconstruction, I'm still struggling with finding clothes that fit and flatter my ever changing body with scars, graphing tattoos and tenderness etc. I definitely think it's an issue that needs to be addressed: pun intended!

On the bright side, my hot flashes have gone away and vitamin E is really helping to reduce the redness of some burning and scars. I'm looking forward to getting back to work on Monday and wearing something other than giant sweatshirts and slippers :)

Threads

Portishead was packed last night. Sold out show! We got a nasty parking ticket on UC Berkeley's campus, but it was worth it :)

I have treatment #4 in two days, so it was a nice treat. This song was amazing live: